If we were Heidi Montag, we wouldn’t want Spencer Pratt to be our boyfriend, for reasons thus:
1. We wouldn’t want to inherit his surname.
2. He’s a bit funny looking.
3. We’re suspicious of anyone that makes a living exclusively from reality television.
4. He publicly expressed that the 9/11 attacks were an inside job and vowed to use his celebrity status to educate the public about the New World Order conspiracy theory.
5. He describes himself as a “famewhore”. Which makes us wish language had never been invented.
6. We don’t like his hair.
7. Explaining his divorce from Heidi Montag, he said “There's no way my love for fame and her love for puppies will ever work out successfully.” Which, if we understood it, would probably make us wish language had never been invented.
8. He keeps threatening to release sex tapes.
He claims to have stumbled across an x-rated vid featuring Heidi and her Playboy Playmate, Karissa Shannon. Karissa confirmed the tape does exist but isn’t convinced The Pratt actually has a copy of it.

This is Karissa with another girl that looks like like her. Heidi Montag also looks a bit like her but it's not her either. It's actually a girl called Kristina, which sounds a bit like 'Karissa', but nothing at all like 'Heidi'. It's definitely not Shannon, 'coz that's just Karissa's surname. It's also Kristina's surname, which makes sense, because they're sisters. Keep up, will you?
Like most celebs these days, it was all of three seconds before they started bleating to twitter.

Karissa: "@spencerpratt: F*** YOU!!!!"

Heidi: "@spencerpratt: F U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Spencer: "Seriously? You're going to start s*** on twitter?"
And, later… "The sex tape will not feature any bisexuality. It will however feature trisexuality.  Also - a triceratops."
We’ve just spent nearly ten full minutes trying to think of something to say to that. But it’s impossible. Like trying to rhyme with ‘orange’. Or trying to work out why Spencer Pratt is on the planet. When someone mentions trisexuality and a triceratops, you've just got to put your hands up and say "riiiiight you are, then".
Here are some more pictures of Heidi Montag and Karissa Shannon, and not a single one of Spencer Pratt - we're making the big calls, and we're getting them right.
Who doesn't like a nice infinity pool?

Who does that guy think he's kidding?

It's like a lovely house of mirrors. And bras.

That's our arm on the left. Well, prove it's not.